The following article is posted in
its entirety to
http://www.earnestlycontendingforthefaith.com/ with the
express written consent of Pastor Terry L. Coomer. For the Adobe©
PDF file click here.
The following article was written by Gary Maldaner, Director
of Plain Path Publishers. The article is being distributed by
permission of Gary Maldaner.
For the
Love of the Family Ministries
Missionaries to America's Forgotten Mission
Field, the Family
Pastor Terry L. Coomer
Ministry of Elwood Bible Baptist Church
P.O. Box 535
504 North 12th Street Elwood,
Indiana 46036
765-552-1973
TLCOOMER@juno.com
www.fortheloveofthefamily.com
These messages may be copied in their entirety to help
Christians in the rearing of their children for God,
strengthening their family, and their marriage. They are not to
be changed in any manner or to be sold. This header must be on
any copy. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact
the author.
Is
"Just Do Right"
Good
Instruction for Children?
By
Gary Maldaner
Has this phrase - "Just do
right" become the essence of the Christian life? Is this to be
the primary goal for every day that we live? Is it
God's plan for us that we make all the decisions and live life
as we please as long as we always choose to "do right." Sadly,
for most Christians today, this is all there is to the Christian
life - to learn right and wrong, perform things that are right,
and avoid things that are wrong. Yes, it is very
important to learn from God's Word to clearly identify right and
wrong, because the devil will try to deceive us and we will
be deceived by our own fleshly nature - but to limit the
Christian life to these instructions is far from God's plan for
each of his children.
The foundation of a successful Christian life is to know and
to follow the will of God. There is a great difference between
doing right and following the will of God! Peter was doing
"right" by being a fisherman, but he gave up this "right
activity" to follow the Lord's will (Mark 1:16-18). We are
clearly taught in Jeremiah10:23 that the way of man is not
in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.
Proverbs 3:5,6 then provides the solution for man's inability.
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto
thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he
shall direct thy paths. There is only one way for God's
people to live and this is thoroughly dealt with from Genesis
through Revelation - fully yielding to the will of God for every
moment of one's life. I beseech you therefore, brethren, by
the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living
sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable
service. Rom.2:1 And he said to them all, If any man
will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross
daily, and follow me. Luke:23 How does this belief of "just
do right" on the part of parents affect the training of
children? If we believe that life boils down to "just do right,"
then we will freely open to children all of the options of
"right," and in doing so we will greatly reduce parental
direction. Of course, this is easier for us and more pleasant
for the children. There is little conflict, because children
basically get to do what they want. We ask them what they want
for supper (and Mom runs a restaurant, fixing different things
for each child from the "right foods" that are in the kitchen),
we give children many opportunities to choose right by asking
them where they want to go, what they want to do, where they
want to sit, etc. In other words, the children in are allowed to
direct in many formerly adult decisions by making "right"
choices. As well as learning that they can rule over those in
authority, children are also learning to choose that which
pleases them the most. They are leaning to "have it their way,"
restricted, of course, to "that which is right." When they grow
up they choose from "right" careers (doctor, lawyer, plumber,
preacher, businessman, etc.) But, God clearly wants to direct in
these things. That he no longer should live the rest of his
time in the flesh to the lusts of men, but to the will of God.
1 Peter 4:2 A preacher is called by God, but so is a Christian
plumber in a calling of God. Each has a ministry, but usually
with different people. When God is to direct my life, then it is
wrong to do a "right thing" when He has not so directed.
Although we might think it is right to live just about anywhere,
every location is wrong for me except the location to which God
clearly directs.
Do children need to learn how to make choices so that they
can someday direct their own lives? No - because according to
Jeremiah 10:23 this is not possible! But, it is proper to give
children some experience in making simple choices, but only
within the framework of authority. It must be a structured
situation with the adults clearly in charge. "Do you want an
apple or an orange?" In other words, "You have a choice but the
choice is directed by me." And, the adult authority continues -
"Even though you can freely choose, I am still in charge and can
direct you in how you eat the chosen item."
It is the trend for those in the world around us to abdicate
(to children) their role of authority and adult wisdom. Children
are often treated as "little adults" rather than those in
training to be adults. On several occasions while exhibiting
books at a homeschool convention we have seen children being
given their "rights." A parent who had previously looked at one
of our Bible courses would then bring the child to the table and
ask, "Do you think you would like to do this book this year?"
The child would then take one quick flip through the book, shake
his head, and wander off. How confused these children must be to
be placed into a position in which they have no true ability to
function. Children cannot possibly know what they need to study
to become useful adults. Although we need not stifle their
interests, it is likely that the things that are the most
difficult and least liked and those things that are the most
needed as a part of their training! Are children equipped to
make good choices about what they should study to become adults
who are useful in God's service? As highly as we may think of
our own children they are still children, and have no ability to
direct in their own training. A child knows nothing about being
an adult and therefore cannot make choices about what he needs
for the future. God has given children to parents for the
parents to direct them in all their paths (Prov.
3:5,6) until such a time when they leave our authority and He
becomes their Guide. Wilt thou not from this time cry unto
me, My father, thou art the guide of my youth? Jer. 3:4
Much of childhood may consist of providing forceful direction to
our children. As the king's heart is in the hand of the
LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he
will ( Prov. 21:1), so the child's heart and life must be
directed by the parents. Children are not born with the desire
or ability to willingly submit to authority! The wicked are
estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born,
speaking lies. Ps. 58:3 The "terrible twos' reveal the raw,
unbridled heart, and although most soon learn to outwardly
conform to some degree, the vast majority continue into
adulthood, in their hearts, with the attitude of, "I will....",
"I want...." and "I won't..." Humble submission to authority is
the most important goal that parents must attempt to achieve in
the first eighteen years of life.
This is training, a fulfillment of Proverbs 22:1
- Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old,
he will not depart from it. Later in the lives of our
children our hope is that following the authority of the Lord
will be willing rather than forced. And he said,
Blessed be the LORD God of my master Abraham, who hath not left
destitute my master of his mercy and his truth:
I being in the way,
the LORD led me to the house of my master's brethren. Gen.
24:27 Abraham's servant was stating that his desire had been to
stay in God's will every step of the trip - and by following
each step of God's direction we see his desire accomplished -
the Lord led me to the house of my master's brethren.
We must listen carefully to the language of our children.
Most children will not willfully and openly defy authority, but
they will often "test the waters." When they find something to
say that they think will cause the one in authority to make some
changes, you can be sure that they will make much use of these
words! A child who says, "I'm bored" should only be allowed to
say this once. This is a veiled attempt to get the adult to
respond by changing the original plans to something the child
wants to do. (Since you are the one who has given him this
"boring" task, you should jump to his service and withdraw your
"poor" command). A child who says, "Do I have to?" should
discover that this is a statement that is not to be said again.
Never allow your children to enter into a "wrestling match" to
see who will come out on top and get his will. "I don't like to
do that" should have a response similar to, "You may not like to
do that, but that is what you must do." Children should not be
allowed to make bargains - "If I do that, can I...."
Your answer must be a firm "NO. Please do what I have told you
to do and then you are welcome to make a further request, but we
won't bargain for privileges! Early in life children can learn
who is in charge, and learn not to "test the waters," but this
can only be accomplished when adults are willing to mentally
screen the child's conversations that they have with us.
We must also guard our own language when dealing with our
children. To say "Get your schoolwork finished, O.K.?" is never
the way a parent should speak to a child. Although it
sounds harmless and seems to be "less offensive" to our
tender-hearted little one, we must think of the future. Since
you have given a command that requires the child's approval,
there may come a day when it may not be O.K.! As a parent,
always keep a scriptural relationship of parent to child. The
parent, training and guiding the child in the place of the Lord,
must not allow the child to usurp his authority. If we in any
way seek our child's approval of our direction in his life, it
won't be long before he may take the opportunity to say (in
nicer words, of course), "No, it's not O.K." Train children
early in life to ask permission for everything. This establishes
your authority in all areas - clothing, T.V. viewing, friends,
diet, habits, reading material, etc. Many parents allow children
to tell them what they are going to do - followed by "O.K.?"
This may appear to be harmless, but the more quick-thinking
child may take the opportunity to push his small amount of
authority further. Notice the likely progression as we move into
the early teenage years- "I'm going to Dave's house, O.K.?" "I'm
going to Dave's house." "I'm going out." "I'm going." A small
erosion of authority is taken advantage of and by the end of the
progression you have lost the authority over your child.
When you move to a new location and rent or buy a place to
live, you settle in the first day with a thankful heart but a
willingness to move on as soon as the Lord so directs. When you
start out on a trip, cannot the Lord direct in His way and in
His timing? Do we not want our children to also respond to our
direction in like manner? "You've let me play, but I am always
ready and willing for you to direct me toward another activity
or job."
Children are not little adults! They are not even to be on an
equal footing with adults. They are inexperienced, naive, need
protection, have foolishness bound in them, and like adults,
have no resource in the mind to successfully direct their lives.
Jer 10:23 O LORD, I know that the way of man is not in
himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps.
If it is not a human capability to successfully direct one's
life then we should not misguide children and allow them to
think they have this ability!
A Few More Basic Ideas
• Don't allow the young child who kicks to get out of your
arms to have his way. He must learn to allow himself to be held
until the adult is ready to release him. This is an important
stage of recognizing just who is in charge!
• Parents should decide what foods children eat for meals and
even determine the amounts of these foods. Too many children are
grossly overweight because "loving Mom" allows him to choose one
stalk of asparagus and as many plate fulls of macaroni and
cheese as he can hold.
• Keep the family together until you are ready to "disband."
Children should not run from the table if they finish eating 10
minutes before others. They should also learn to patiently wait
while you are talking to them, rather than beginning to walk off
before you are finished.
• Children should not be allowed to choose a church! It is
not unusual today for parents look for a church where there are
activities for the children. Children will choose a church from
the reference of a heart that is bound with foolishness. (Prov.
22:15) Children allowed to do so will grow up with a desire for
entertainment in the church and to have their "ears tickled."
Church is to be a place for serious training in doctrine and
standards. The church is not an entertainment center or a
retirement center. It is a place where battle plans are
formatted and instituted. For the time will come when they
will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall
they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; 2
Tim. 4:3
Parents are to be the ones who decide what is to be eaten,
where the child goes, what the child wears, how the child spends
his money, - parents are to be a distinct authority figure in
all areas of the child's life - a parallel situation to the
adult life when the Christian is to be in complete submission to
the Lord's commands and the Lord's will for his life.
Proper words or Attitude Prelude to trouble:
Left- Child Right- Parental
defeat
Where should I sit? Where do you want to sit?
What should I do? What do you want to do?
What should I eat? What do you want to eat?
What should I wear? What do you want to wear?
Can I go out and play? Do you want to go out and play?
Should I eat this? Do you want to eat this?
It should be of no surprise when in later years the child
comes up with, "I don't want to do that!" "You can't make me."
"I don't have to do that" "It's not my job, my turn, etc."
Isaiah 3:12 As for my people, children are their oppressors,
and women rule over them. O my people, they which lead thee
cause thee to err, and destroy the way of thy paths.
oppressors - To drive, taskmaster, ruler, lord over,
exact demanding pressure, overpower, load with unreasonable
impositions, to treat with unjust severity, rigor, or hardships;
force to perform unreasonable services.
Col 3:20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for
this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Eph 6:2 Honour thy
father and mother; (which is the first commandment with
promise;)
Terry L. Coomer is the Pastor of
Elwood Bible Baptist Church, and the Director of For the Love of
the Family Ministries. He has also served as the Publisher of
the nation's fastest growing daily newspaper. Pastor Coomer
holds Family Conferences in the local church. To have a meeting
at your church or other needs he may be contacted at (765)
552-1973,
tlcoomer@juno.com,
www.fortheloveofthefamily.com
|